Content Harry Potter
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Harry and everyone

Harry Potter Meets Kinsfire

Kinsfire sat motionless in front of his keyboard and he contemplated his muse... the nearly twenty five year old playboy centerfold of Jackie Muse that hung fading in a corner over his monitor.

Struggling for inspiration, he popped a Viagra and began to type.

It was a cold, and it was dark. I think it was night. And it was raining. Oh, yeah, and there was lightening too.

Frowning, he repositioned his cursor and erased the line. It sounded too much like Rosswrock for his taste.

It was a dark and stormy night. Lightening flashed and Harry Potter became momentarily visible, because that’s what lightening does. It’s not like a light bulb, you know! His features were stark and his brow was furrowed as he examined the mountain lair that contained his mortal enemy, Voldemort!

Harry checked his watch, and was impressed by the glow of the dark numbers. Besides, checking his watch was a cool thing to do. Next to him stood Hermione and Ginny, both dressed in white bikinis, which, while looking really nice, were not adequate protection from the cold rain on the mountaintop. On the other hand, they both wore awesome utility belts with potions, wand holster, flash bang grenades and a built in condom dispenser.

"Harry, can we attack already? If my nipples get any harder from this cold they are going to pop off!" moaned Hermione.

"At least you have boobs, you bloody cow," muttered a jealous Ginny.

"Now Ginny, you have a great ass. Boobs aren’t everything," Harry offered with a smile as he fondled Hermione’s boobs.

Kinsfire paused in his writing as Dorothy walked by wearing a pair of cowboy boots, hat and nothing else. Scratching his head in confusion, he returned to his writing.

Voldemort paced around his evil lair and looked at the blank monitors. Being a wizard and believing that nothing muggle is worthwhile, he had completely destroyed the muggle security system, rendering the banks of monitors useless.

"Wormtail! Report!" he snarled.

"My Lord, the screens are dark! It must be night out!"

Voldemort smacked his palm against his head. "No shit! Homer Simpson would be a smarter henchman!"

Wisely Wormtail decided not to ask his lord and master why his palm was hairier than his head.

"Wormtail! Have you heard back from Rent-a-henchman?"

"Yes, my lord," said the evil rat like man. "They refuse to return the deposit on last batch and are insisting on a larger cash deposit for the next two hundred henchmen. They expect to be delivered in a few hours."

Voldemort rubbed his hands and cackled in glee. "AT LAST!" he shouted, "I will be able to begin my diabolical plot to take over… take over… eh…. um, Wormtail? What are we taking over again?"

Wormtail quickly hid his copy of Playwitch and concentrated for a moment. "This is a trick question, right? If I answer it wrong you’re going to cast the Cruciatus curse on me. If I answer it right, you’re still going to cast the Cruciatus curse on me. Either way, I’m fucked, right?"

"No! Now tell me what we’re trying to take over again!"

"The world, my lord!"

"Thank you. Now… Crucio! You spineless fool!"

Kinsfire leaned back in his chair and smiled. The story was going well and nearly writing itself without any help from him! So entranced was he, he never noticed Dorothy walk by his computer wearing a French maid outfit and pushing a wheel barrow.

"Now Harry? Can we attack now?" Whined Ginny.

Harry looked up from spanking Hermione. "NO! We have to wait until Voldemort’s henchmen arrive!"

"Well, what’s taking them so long?"

"I think they got their driving instructions from Ron. You know your brother, he gets lost going to the loo."

"I’ll say! Last week he went to the loo and grabbed a hair, then peed down his leg!"

Hermione waved up at Kinsfire to catch his attention. "Can you move it along? That was way too much information! Besides it’s cold out here."

Kinsfire nodded and magically transported the henchmen to the base of the mountain where they used the secret entrance to enter the evil lair.

Hermione blinked in confusion. "You mean we walked all the way up this fucking mountain and there was a fucking entrance at the bottom?" she yelled skyward at the mysterious author.

Kinsfire grinned sheepishly and bleated a few times before nodding. Meanwhile Harry was showing Ginny how much he appreciated her bum. It would take weeks before she’d be able to sit comfortably and his teeth marks would leave scars.

Harry sprang to his feet, because heroes are good at springing. "Now we can attack!"

He flicked his wand. The wooden one! Get your mind out of the gutter! And it shot sparks. From behind him hundreds of Harry’s Honeys rose in the darkness, ninja like. Well, maybe not ninja like. They could have just been good at hiding. In any case, it was really cool looking. And the utility belts were very impressive on the bikini clad vixens. If anyone bothered to look closer they would discover Harry’s Honeys consisted of every female from Hogwarts and a few he stole from Bigbottoms… you know, that place in France next to Le Hooters.

As one, Harry and his Honeys moved up to the crater of the extinct volcano.

Kinsfire laughed to himself at what was about to happen. His sudden motion caused his muse to flutter briefly and the nearby heart monitor beeped warningly. He settled down and did his breathing exercises, which didn’t really work. Quite honestly, he’d rather watch Dorothy breathing.

Wormtail rushed into the room. "Master! The henchmen have arrived!"

A door opened and the henchmen streamed into the room, hundreds of them! Voldemort blinked in surprise as the henchmen lined up in nice, neat rows. They were wearing black masks over their eyes and spandex gray tights with question marks on them.

"Hey! Where’s the Riddler?" shouted one henchman.

Voldemort swung to face Wormtail. "You dolt! They sent us the wrong henchmen!"

Wormtail groveled before the Dark Lord. "They were all we could get on such short notice, Master!"

Voldemort began to pound his head against the arm of his throne when the sound of an alarm shrieked through the room. Swinging around wildly, he faced Wormtail again. "What’s that noise? Don’t they know I have a migraine?"

"Master! There’s an army of bikini clad busty babes in the crater! They’re led by Harry Potter!" shouted Wormtail.

"POTTER! Why does he always get the prime nookie while I’m left with the dregs? Even Bellatrix would be a welcome change from Wormtail," Voldemort muttered to himself before shaking off the bit of self-pity. "Henchmen! Defend the evil lair!" the Dark Lord shouted, before he stood up.   He then walked over to make sure his river of piranha fish were still alive, just in case he managed to maneuver Harry Potter to cross the obviously trapped bridge.

Kinsfire cackled in front of his computer. The power, the rush of adrenalin, the feel of omnipotence! Or was it impotence?   No, no, it was omnipotence!

Harry and his Honeys made their way down the crater to the false lake and planted muggle explosives to blow huge gaping holes in the steel covering. Then they’d brave the random gunfire and slide down official ninja ropes to the evil lair below.

Harry grabbed Ginny and kissed her passionately. "Be safe, my darling!" he shouted before pushing her through the hole in the covering.

Then he grabbed another Honey and repeated the process. He had kissed about forty of his Honeys so far and when he paused to some chapstick, Hermione stopped him.

"Harry, you dick! You aren’t giving the girls time to tie off to the ninja rope!"

Harry looked sheepish for a moment, even bleating a few times. "OOPS!" he said apologetically.

"OOOOH, you! If you weren’t hung like a hippogriff I’d swear off boys and become a lesbian! Now let them tie off before you push them through!" Hermione harangued him.

Below the ceiling, inside the huge cavernous area, Ginny rolled off the body of Draco Malfoy and looked around wildly. Evil Henchmen poured out of the exits along the sides of the walls and there was a really cool monorail that ran along the rim of the cavern. In the center of the cavern was a missile made up of hundreds of broomsticks, and it was burning.

A moment later, Harry and Hermione appeared at Ginny’s side. Both girls whipped out their wands and covered Harry as he preened for the security cameras.

"Damn it, Harry, I won’t be able to shag you silly if you’re dead. Well, I could, but that’s disgusting, and I don’t think the author’s into that sort of thing.   Now crouch down like the rest of us!" Ginny snarled.

Kinsfire sat back from his computer, contemplating the act of necrophilia.   He could…no, Ginny was right.   That was disgusting, even for him.

"Yes dear," Harry said, crouching down.

Harry watched as the Honeys decimated the Riddler’s henchmen and wondered if they had attacked the wrong evil lair by mistake.

"Is this the right lair?" Hermione asked.

Harry checked his map carefully. "This is what I got from Mapquest. It’s got to be the right one!"

Ginny peeked over his shoulder and looked at the map. She could clearly see the spot marked on the map labeled ‘Voldemort’s Secret Lair’. Then she whirled and flung a condom at a henchman who had been trying to sneak up on them. The condom flew out of its wrapper and expanded to capture the henchman.

"It’s the right place, Hermione. Voldemort must be subletting the place from the Riddler!"

Kinsfire looked up from his computer as Dorothy skated past him. She was wearing a nun’s habit and carrying a hockey stick. Shaking his head in confusion, he looked back at the screen.

"Master!" shouted Wormtail, "The henchmen are losing!"

Voldemort looked up from a BDSM Magazine that seemed to involve a pony, three dogs, a midget and someone who looked remarkably like Professor McGonagall. "Losing? We can’t lose! We are the evil villains in this story! I won’t let us lose! Sound the retreat and activate the self destruct mechanism!"

Voldemort scurried to his escape egg and struggled to get inside. He hadn’t been watching his weight recently and the escape egg was designed for a much smaller evil villain. With much grunting and sucking in of his rather large gut, he managed to get inside.

Wormtail rushed to a wall panel and pushed a button. The panel slid back revealing a bank of controls. Grabbing the manual, he read quickly.

To Activate the Simple Self Destruct Mechanism.

Step One - Slide control A to Maximum

Step Two - Turn knob B47 left three clicks.

Step Three - Insert Key into Key insertion mechanism and turn right.

Step Four - Sound Alarm.

Step Five - File Environment Impact Statement for Nuclear Reactor Overload.

Step Six - Slide control A92 to the far right.

Wormtail continued to read, and read and read. Finally, in disgust, he threw the manual into the river of piranha and the fish promptly tore the book to shreds. Pulling his wand, he cast a Reductor curse on the control panel and apparated away.

Kinsfire laughed excitedly and took a moment to replace his keyboard with one far less sticky. He paused as Dorothy walked by wearing a blue dress and leading a small dog named Toto. He suspected he was no longer in Kansas.

Harry and his Honeys paused in the midst of battle, because it was time for them to pause. At that very moment, over the public address system, they heard:

"PHONE CALL FOR ALBUS DUMBLEDORE."

No, not really, what they actually heard was:

"Reactor overload. You have five minutes to reach the minimum safe distance of two hundred kilometers."

"Gods, she sounds cute!" Harry commented.

Hermione grabbed him by one arm, while Ginny grabbed the other. "Come on, loverboy. You can look her up later. We need to boogie out of here, like, right now!"

Nodding, Harry pulled up his zipper, which was a secret signal to all the Honeys to return to their secret base, which Harry called the Honey Pot.

With a slurping sound, they apparated away, leaving the Riddler’s Henchmen wandering around the evil Lair, wondering where the Riddler was.  

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