Sunrise Over Britain
By Bobmin
With your author notes, and especially the 'Pet Peeves' you had, I get the impression you're the perfect writers. In my opinion you don't run other authors into the ground, if you're not perfect yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally hooked up on your story! But please, I'm Dutch (and the Dutch are not known for speaking English very well!) and even I see several mistakes in your spelling and grammar!
So make sure your own story is flawless in spelling and grammar, before you criticise others. Perhaps you should take your own advise and get a Beta?
-Panthera-
Just to let you know, sometime between when you posted this chapter and now, at least one update (oddly enough, on my birthday in 2008) was posted.
Still going along very well. I do appreciate the fact that you hold out tantalizing little bits of info from the reader, giving us a reason to continue. Many authors don't have the will-power to do that.
I still love your story, of course.
I suggest you read my bio page on FFnet, where you'll find a 10-question essay called "Why you _Shouldn't_ get a beta reader."
If you like Pet peeves, I got tons of 'em! There are a mess of them on the bio page, and also in my fanfic called Project Potter.
"If they'd been able to get us out of Hogwarts, we be helping them." we'd be
"Not only can get they get Potter," can they get
"There's no sense is both of us missing dinner." in both
“That's something between Millicent and I,” between Millicent and me
"at his friends odd behavior" friend's
"I think it's time we find out what it going on." what is going on
"he quickly walked into an ally" alley
"he sunk lower in the tub" sank
"a point where I'd be no better that Voldemort" no better than
"Hermione expression broke into a huge grin." Hermione's
"His family was just one of the problems he had to deal with it." to deal with.
"Ginny found herself shuddered back" shuddering
"that Ginny was developing a talent, though she didn't what it was." she didn't know
That's just a snapshot; there are hundreds of these. If you have a beta, they've not done the job. If you haven't one, please consider letting one help you.
Why bother? Because errors draw attention towards themselves, and away from the story. Every time the reader sees a confusing error, and has to pause, scratch his head, try to figure out what was
actually meant, go back and edit in the correct words or phrases in his head, and then proceed with reading, the momentum of the story gets lost. An extra pair of eyes will simply catch things you
can't see because you're too close to perceive them. Every good author needs a good editor; JKR herself has teams of excellent ones!
Peace & love,
David
Oh I do love your Standard Disclaimers they are very funny and I can’t wait to read more of them. I like the new character Eocho, nicely done with him. I like the idea of Harry being a
Maglios. I like the twins fairy idea, very nice. I like how the parent and Guardians reacted when they out that their children within the Brotherhood, need to get married.
Oh I love the date with Melinda and Arthur, and the talk help Arthur a lot.
I like that Millicent is willing to help Harry, but is afraid to go to him, as she didn’t know if he would believe her as she is a Slytherin.
Oh the ass Dumbledore is using Charles to get to Harry, at least when he met with his family Ginny suspected something was up.
I like Eocho’s thoughts about war, I agree with them.
I just checked "The Father" out on the Pit of Voles (a.k.a. Fanfiction.net) and it's been updated since you put this up! Awesome! (Well, most recent update is July of 2007, seven months ago, but
whatever.) You have the power of forcing others to update their fiction! That is pretty rad. What other powers has the Brotherhood Ritual given you?
Oh, and this story is pretty rad, too. Although this chapter was a bit exposition-heavy, you've earned my trust that sometime in the near future, some feces will hit an oscillating unit, and it will
rock.
Of course, maybe if Arthur had grown some balls Ron and Percy wouldn't have been lost and neither would have Molly...allowing Molly to run roughshod over him led him to where he was.
Thanks for writing,
Matt
Well, Dumbledore just won't/can't quit can he. Not surprised. I was sort of expecting that he did some sort of 'memory charm' thing as he did with Ron on a more willing Charlie. Does Charlie
'know' that he did that to his journal?
As for Ginny's reaction to Charlie I'm not at all surprised. I was also expecting somthing from either her or Harry sensing something 'off' with Charlie's exposure of Dumbldore. Since the barrier is
comming down soon, will Dumbles make himself an immediate nuisance of himself with both Harry and the School? How would McGonagall react to him on the school? Since this is technaclly a new school he
should NOT be immediately the Headmaster once more. Even if the students are formally Hogwarts.
Oh, thanks btw for a new story to check out. Even if it does fall under the new 'Updateless list' (boy can I relate to THAT one!) There are loads of fics I myself follow but the writers have too much
of a life to update their stories for at Least Over a Year! Well I'm now off to work. Ja ne!
Favorite line: "We asked earlier if we could help, but you didn't take us seriously. I'm afraid we have a bit of a reputation and it got in the way this time.” Very good job with the
twins.
Something I wonder about: If it is possible to just shrink your books and put them in your pocket, why would you need a large bookbag? Wouldn't this be a spell they should teach first year students.
After all we get warned about the problems that can be caused by carrying a bookbag that is to heavy. (Sorry it just popped into my head.)
Wizards and Jello -- that's a riot.
'Rupert and Sons, Antiquities' -- are they archaeologists or do you mean Antiques?
All I have to say deals with Harry's leg and that is...Come on you know you want him to get better. I bet you do. Your just in denial.
These first few chapters have been pretty good. I think you are going a bit overboard with the power-enhancing rituals though. Harry already did something along those lines for the rest of the group when he created the wards around england. But, meh, it isn't that big a deal. I have noticed that there are a lot more little errors in this story then its prequel. Mistakes with missing words, syntax errors and incorrect words are found throughout the chapters. It is nothing major enough to make the story unreadable but it is noticable.
I just wanted to say you this : the story The Father had been updated the 02-19-06.
Very good chapter, hope they can save Charlie.
gunny
Harry Neville and Draco bantering, especially with Minerva, was a little unreal, but nicely done!
I know this is a super!harry story, but I'd just as soon not see massive power-inflation and new skills n' superpowers popping out in every chapter. Even with the detailed backstory, they still
stress the suspension of disbelief a little more each time.
If you're going to set a story in Dalton, Georgia, it would have been funnier to have the dealer working out of a carpeting warehouse or showroom. (Dalton is the carpet manufacturing capital of the
US. Don't ask me why, I just live near by.)
Ugg. I don't want another Weasley to get on the wrong side - the non-Harry side.
Interesting conversations with Eocho.
Great work!
hey, great story btw. i'm a big fan. one little grammatical mistake tho, when eocho speaks in general he says "thy", before a word that starts with a vowel "thy own", it should be "thine":
"thine own" etc...
Suggestion for Updateless List
http://www.sugarquill.net/read.php?storyid=1642&chapno=1
I would be quite offended if you had Draco or the twins driving a BMW as any Bond afficianado(sp) knows, James Bond was ALWAYS in an Aston Martin with the one bastardized exception in which they had him in a beemer. I have just discovered this universe and am reallly looking forward to future updates.
