Content Harry Potter
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Harry and everyone

Harry Potter Meets Old Crow

Old Crow hunched over his Word Processor, the keyboard smoking in the dimly lit room. A single window opened to a vista of urban sprawl. Grabbing another Twinkie and popping open another can of Busty Babe Butterbeer, he stretched for a moment, his back making popping sounds that only a deranged fan fiction author can get after fifty hours of typing nonstop.

He peered at the screen, his pupils constricted down to tiny dots as his fingers once again blurred over the keyboard. The click-clacking of the keys alerting the other denizens of the abode that Old Crow was once again crafting the very best in fan fiction.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were standing on the edge of a road leading up towards a dark manor on the hilltop.

Old Crow moved his cursor back to the beginning of the sentence and restarted it.

It was a dark and stormy night on the roadside where Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny stood. The road led towards a dark manor atop a nearby hilltop. Harry looked at the large pile of Muggle weapons they had brought with them, including the Centurion Tank and Truman class Aircraft Carrier and decided it was time to confer with his fellow students.

He motioned for them to gather around. When he had them all close together, he looked around carefully before beginning to speak.

"I think we need to explore the area before we go any further. Ron and Ginny should probably go ahead to scout out the area, while Hermione and I shrink down our toys so they’re easier to carry," Harry said quietly.

"I told you not to unshrink them when we hit the road Ron. Can’t you ever listen to me? Just once?" asked Hermione in exasperation at her soon to be dead boyfriend.

"’Mione, I didn’t know you’d bring that big boat! Besides, I listen to you. Didn’t I listen to you when you told me to aim for the proper hole in the broom closet?"

Hermione paled and smacked her head against a nearby tree, then shot a vicious look at Old Crow that promised pain if she didn’t get relieved of this burden soon.

"You still missed, you moron!" she hissed at him in anger.

"Too much information!" Harry shouted, then he turned away and was violently sick.

Ginny collapsed on the ground laughing hysterically at her brother. She then grabbed him by the arm and dragged him towards the road so they could scout out the area.

Neither of them saw the Semi-truck barreling down the road. It hit them both, flattening them and adding to the daily special on the menu at the Roadkill Café. Strangely, the truck had a sign on the side that read, ‘Old Crow Pizza Express. You get the pizza in thirty minutes, or you can shoot the driver’.

"GINNY!" Harry screamed in horror!

"RON!" Hermione cried out in glee!

Harry ran out into the road, after looking both ways like a good muggle, and knelt by the red mess that was his girlfriend, the person he had hoped to spend the rest of his life with, his love, his life, his reason for living, the first girl ever to show him boobies and he wept.

Hermione dashed out into the road near Harry and grabbed Ron’s money bag. When she saw the look Harry was giving her, she shrugged. "What? He owed me a galleon!" She then grabbed the distraught Harry and dragged him off the road, just missing getting hit by another semi-truck.

Harry knelt by the roadside and beat at the ground with his fists. It was so unfair! Everyone he loved was taken away from him. Everything he enjoyed, they took. They took away his parents, Cedric (who, to be honest, he didn’t really love. It was more like a sort of liking the guy, but not in that way), Sirius, and Quidditch. Everything! Why they even took Bay Watch off BBC2!

Hermione tried shaking Harry from his anguish, but to no avail. She glared skyward and waited. Taking the hint, Old Crow decided to step up to the plate.


Harry looked around, hearing a voice that seemed to come from everywhere.


"Harry, you must get the explosives up to the manor and kill Riddle! I know it hurts about Ginny, but I’ll let you have Hermione. She’s got bigger boobs than Ginny, who was barely an A cup. And her father will teach you to play golf. It’s a silly game with sticks and balls, but you’ll like it."

"Bigger boobs, eh? Really?"

Hermione placed her hands on her hips and shouted, "Who the fuck do you think you are, giving me away like this?"

"Oh, don’t worry about it, Hermione. For one thing, Harry is better hung than Ron was. For another, he’s not a moron. And at least with Harry, you won’t have to worry about supporting him. The bloke is filthy rich. Ron would have been a stone around your neck. You would have spent the rest of your life explaining the purpose of napkins to him."

Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment, shrugged carelessly, then nodded in agreement.

"I thought I told you that I’m rich, Hermione?" Harry asked.

Hermione unbuttoned two of the top buttons on her blouse and looked at him demurely. "No, Harry, you never did. Why don’t you and I move these explosives up to the top of the hill and we’ll talk about it?"

Old Crow leaned back and considered his work. It was different than his usual stuff and that made him a little cautious.   It was almost like he was under an Imperious curse from another author!

Meanwhile, Voldemort waited in his Manor atop the hill, because that’s where the author of the story wanted him to be.

He paced his dark and stormy chamber, every so often kicking that damn snake because he hated snakes and really wished someone had let him have a bunny as a pet instead.

"A were-rabbit would have been nice!" he shouted. "But no! I have to get this slimey snake that eats, then throws up the bones. Do you have any idea what that does to the carpets in here!!!"

The doors burst open and his servant, Wormtail, rushed into the room, followed by all of his Death Eaters. The sudden inrush of over four hundred people made the room very crowded and Voldemort ended up being pinned against a wall by the crush of the crowd.

"Back! Back, you fools! Gods, why couldn’t you have given me smart henchmen, like that Doctor Evil character?"

Dropping to his knees, he crawled to his throne and climbed onto it. Once there, he pretended to be totally unaffected by the arrival of so many Death Eaters.

"Wormtail! Report!"

"Master, the townspeople are storming the castle gate!" Wormtail shouted.

Voldemort blinked in surprise, and then turned a steely gaze on Wormtail. "Are they really?" he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm, his fingertips drummed a staccato rhythm on the arm of his chair.

Wormtail shuffled his feet and looked down. "Well, no… not really, Master. I’ve just always wanted to say that."

"I see. So what, then, is your real report?"

"Well, I am pleased to tell you that tonight we managed to execute our fifty-first pizza delivery guy for being late, Master."

Voldemort looked up, pleased at the news. "MUHAHAHAHA!!! We shall conquer those fools after all!"

"Oh, and Harry Potter and some girl, who’s is at least a C cup, is outside planting explosives around the manor house."

"My manor house?"

"Yes, my lord."

"A C cup, you said? Wait! Explosives? Muggle things that go ‘boom’?"

"Yes, my lord, muggle things that go ‘boom’," Wormtail replied, all the while thinking about doing a little boom-boom with Harry’s girlfriend.

Voldemort hunched down on his throne and pounded on one of the arms. "Curse you, Harry Potter! Why do you get girls with C Cups, while I’m stuck with Wormtail… who can’t even wear an athletic supporter!"

Everyone paused for a moment and glanced around.

"Um, wait," Voldemort said, puzzled.   "Is this a slash fic?"

Those in the room looked around at each other in bewilderment.   Murmurs could be heard as they all asked each other the same question.

Voldemort leaned down and pulled the script from under his throne and flipped through it, hearing the rustle of hundreds of pages as his minions did the same.

"No, Master.   This doesn’t seem to be a slash fic.   At least it doesn’t say anything about slash in my script," Wormtail finally replied.

"Mine doesn’t either.   Finally a sensible author," Voldemort sighed out, as he replaced his script.   "Now, where were we?   Oh yes, your lack of…endowment. Let’s see, how shall I put this?   Well, no sense being polite. You’re not only spineless, Wormtail, but dick-less as well!

"I’m sorry, my lord. But you know the first time we tried to revive you I didn’t really want to break a bone, so I cut off the one piece without a bone."

All of the Death Eaters shuddered and ran their hands over their crotches at the memory of that moment.

Voldemort sprang to his feet. "We must escape before Harry Potter blows up the manor house. Quick! Go see if Old Crow is willing to let us leave yet!"

Two Death Eaters near the entrance to the room rushed to the exit of the manor house. As they hit the front lawn, a giant finger came down out of the sky and squashed them both flat.

Hermione looked up to see the giant finger and blinked. "Did you see that?"

"It’s just Old Crow keeping Moldypants and his evil henchmen in the manor until we can get all the explosives set up. Are you really a C cup?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yes, I am, Harry," she said with a sigh, "Now, hand me that prick… I mean stick of dynamite"

Harry snickered and handed her the sticks. "Be careful. If you rub these the wrong way they’ll blow."

Voldemort stood on the shoulders of one of his minions and peered out of his basement window, because all evil lairs are underground and a regular window would have been silly, not to mention useless.

"Curses! We can’t leave yet. And Harry Potter is showing that muggle witch with the great tits how to handle his sticks!"

"Master!" cried another Death Eater.

Voldemort, forgetting he was standing on someone’s shoulders, spun and fell. He performed a perfect split, landing atop the head of the Death Eater he had been standing on before sliding down to the floor.

All the minions in the crowded room turned to the one who had shouted for the Dark Lord’s attention and knew he wasn’t going to get any dinner tonight.

"What?" came the high-pitched falsetto voice of the evil Dark Lord from somewhere near the window.

"We can escape now, lord! Old Crow has opened up the apparation… anti-ward…er… thingie… and we can leave!"

Voldemort bounced to his feet. Dark Lords, like Tiggers, bounce very well indeed. "We must run away!"

"Run away!" parroted his minions.

Harry turned the key on the all electronic detonator he had bought from a Radio Shack and the Manor house exploded in a fountain of fire. In the light of that awesome destruction, he couldn’t help but notice that Hermione was really pretty.

Voldemort turned, looked up at Old Crow and shot him the bird before he apparated away.

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