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Harry and everyone

Harry Potter Meets Abraxan

Abraxan leapt from her horse to land in her computer chair. Unfortunately, she misjudged the leap and missed the window entirely. Picking herself up, she limped into the house and slumped down into her chair for another interesting evening of writing fan fiction in the Harry Potter Universe.

She began to type feverishly as the beamed plot bunny from hell… well, not really from hell, more north, like from Idaho… entered her brain.

The sun was down and the weather sucked.

Abraxan stopped and considered the line for a moment, then scratching in a place we can’t mention without requiring a federal permit. She erased the line and started over again.

It was a dark and stormy night and Ginny, Hermione and Ron had Harry by the armpits and were rushing him to the Hogwarts infirmary. Harry looked bewildered while his friends looked determined. Well Ginny and Hermione looked determined, Ron looked slightly nauseous and a little constipated and his red hair looked really bad tonight.

Bursting into the infirmary, they threw Harry into one of the beds.

"Madam Pomfrey!" shouted Ginny, her voice laced with worry for her fiancé.

Madam Pomfrey came running into the room from her office. "What ever is the problem?" she asked.

"Harry’s sick, Madam Pomfrey! I think Hermione did something to him again!" shouted Ron, glaring at his girlfriend and promising himself that she was going to get a real spanking later tonight.

"I’m not sick!" Harry said, trying to get out of the bed. He stopped and slumped back in the bed unconscious as Hermione smacked him in the head with a frying pan. Then she hid the pan behind her back and tried to look innocent.

"I didn’t do anything to him!" she protested.

Ginny screeched and whipped out her wand. Ron glared at Hermione and muttered about tonight being a ‘Bad Schoolgirl playtime’.

Abraxan laughed insanely and her fingers began to bleed as she increased her typing speed.

"Wormtail!" Voldemort shouted from his evil backup lair. "I can’t see a friggin’ thing. Get me a pair of   EYES!!! And tell me what is going on!"

Wormtail scurried into the room holding an inflatable sex doll under his arm. There was no sense hiding it when his evil overlord couldn’t see worth a damn!

"Master, we have ordered new henchmen again, and I have put into motion a complex plan with many obvious flaws, designed to kill Harry Potter."

Voldemort tried to clap his hands in glee, but without any eyes, his hands missed. Wormtail sighed and placed the inflatable doll in Voldemort’s lap, then adjusted his Master’s hands so he wouldn’t miss.

Voldemort, noticing the doll in his lap shouted in glee. "Bella! Baby! You’ve come back to Daddykins!"

Wormtail rolled his eyes and began to speak again. "Master, by this time tomorrow we should have killed Harry Potter, if everything goes to plan!"

Voldemort looked to his left and asked, "Oh? How do we expect to do that? Remember, that little meschuganna ripped out my eyeballs and fed them to his pet bird."

"Well, I was going to use the Black Widow curse on that brown haired cutie-pie friend of his."

Voldemort’s eyes would have lit up if he had any.

"But with all the money we’ve spent on henchman lately, we couldn’t afford it. And because of the battle damage, I couldn’t take out a second mortgage on your home in Little Hangleton. But I did send her a copy of an Austin Powers movie laced with subliminals," Wormtail said, smiling evilly and making funny bunny shadows on the wall, mocking his blind master.

"Excellent Wormtail! Let me reward you for this. CRUCIO!" Voldemort shouted, pointing at a closet door.

Wormtail stood to one side of the door buffing his nails and pretending to scream. "Oh, Ow! Mercy, Master! Ow Ow Ow!"

Abraxan bounced in her computer chair with delight. Then she winced, remembering too late that one shouldn’t bounce in a computer chair after spending all day riding a horse. Her fingernails flew off as she increased her typing speed.

Hermione stood, defiantly facing the younger, smaller, less endowed girl.

"Drop your wand and the frying pan, Hermione!" Ginny snarled.

Ron, sensing an imminent fight, ran to get a bowl of popcorn. Harry, being mostly unconscious, did nothing.

Hermione growled back at Ginny, then her shirt popped open and two wand tips extended from her boobs.

"Oh, shit!" cried a barely conscious Harry. "She’s a Hermionebot!"

Harry fell unconscious again as Hermionebot smacked him in the head with the frying pan once more. Just then, the doors burst open and Ron and Hermione entered the room arguing.

"I tell you Hermione, you’re already in the infirmary!" Ron shouted. In one hand he held a super-sized deluxe jumbo fifty-gallon drum of popcorn, in the other hand was a small diet soft drink.

"Oh really, Ronald! Would you kindly let a little blood flow to the big head for once?" Hermione retorted, then she stopped suddenly in shock, spotting the Hermionebot.

Ron ran into her, causing him to trip and spill his drink all over the front of the Hermionebot. Sparks began to shoot from the Hermionebot’s wands and she collapsed.

"OW! My head!" Harry said, coming awake. Then he peered up at Ginny. "Hmmm, I think I like this. There are three of you. Wanna sneak off to the Shrieking Shack? Just the four of us?"

"Harry!" shrieked Hermione in outrage.

"Harry!" shrieked Ginny with glee, and began to unbutton her blouse.

"Not you, Hermione. I may be the Boy-Who-Needs-Hyphenations, but I couldn’t handle three of you and three of Ginny!" Harry replied, and then he wiggled his eyebrows at Ginny, who giggled.

Standing up, Harry and his friends staggered out of the infirmary. There was a moment of silence, and then Ron snuck back in and picked up the Hermionebot, slinging her over his shoulder. He grinned goofily at the readers and muttered something about "a research tool" before leaving the infirmary again.

Abraxan shouted triumphantly, causing a wall sculpture to crash to the floor, then she began to type again.

"Master, Master!" Wormtail shouted, rushing in to the throne room of the evil backup lair. Voldemort looked up from his throne and threw a curse, missing Wormtail by miles.

"What? What bad news do you have for me today? I’m tired of hearing bad news. Why can’t I ever get good news?" whined Voldemort.

"It’s good news, Master!" shouted Wormtail.

"Good news? I LOVE GOOD NEWS! Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"Our Death Eater in Hogwarts is going to attempt to kill Harry Potter tonight!"

Voldemort bounced up and down in his chair. "WooHoo!!"

Abraxan paused to consider her next move. She reached for some three-day-old coffee and a cheese and tuna sandwich, which was even older. Taking a bite and waiting for the hallucinations to set in, she went back to her typing.

Harry chased the damn stupid snitch and he was damn cold and damn tired. The score was 5000 to 0, and Gryffindor was winning, of course. They were playing Slytherin, of course, because Gryffindor always beats Slytherin. Harry chased and chased that snitch until he finally caught it in his hand.

He looked around, expecting the crowd to go wild with glee that the damn game was finally over, but there was no sound at all. He glanced at his radar altimeter. Being at 57,254 feet AGL, he doubted that people saw him catch the snitch. He tipped over his broom and went into a power dive.

The dive was perfect, and then the batteries in his broom died.

Gulping nervously, then vomiting profusely, our gallant hero knew he had but moments to live if he didn’t do something and do it fast. He was reluctant to slow his fall because he was now being chased by a flying puddle of barf. Considering his options, he immediately discarded the easy things that would work, like transforming into his Phoenix form or into his Threstral form. He briefly considered transforming into a wooly mammoth, but he decided against that. The flight characteristics of the wooly mammoth were quite poor.

Next, he tried conjuring a parachute, but that didn’t work. All he got were several ducks with ropes tied to their feet. He could see the ground coming closer and he was starting to panic. In desperation, he determined that he needed help and he needed it now!

"Accio Hermione!"

"Accio Dumbledore!"

"Accio Snape!"

"Accio…"

"Harry, you moron! Shut up!" screamed Hermione, and then she realized exactly where she was and proceeded to climb up Harry’s body, wrapping herself around him in such a way that Harry wasn’t able to see a thing. His face, however, was quite comfortable nestled between her boobs. Harry pondered the possibilities of slipping Ginny a boob Engorgio potion.

"My, this is a fascinating altitude," said Dumbledore. "Look! I can see all the way to Jersey from here!"

Harry tried to look at Jersey, but was mesmerized by the twin peaks. Nodding to the Headmaster, he tried to lick both at the same time and succeeded. Hermione looked surprised, then pleased. Being a snaketongue did have some advantages!

"Potter!" Snape shrieked like a girl and pushed his robe down to hide the pink bloomers he was wearing.

"Anyone have a clue what to do? I have enough power to blow a hole clean through the planet, but I’m just the dumb hero. Hermione and Dumbledore are the brains. Although I will admit, Hermione had a much nicer chest than Dumbledore does. And I called Snape up here because I figured that, if anyone wanted to see me die up close, it would be him!" Harry exclaimed.

Dumbledore grabbed hold of Hermione in a place we can’t mention without a federal permit and leered. She gaped in surprise and Harry laughed, then Dumbledore preceded to apparate all three of them to the stands below.

Snape looked around at the empty sky and started to scream like a girl as he dropped to the Quidditch pitch below. The students in the stands, seeing their favorite potions Professor dropping to his death, decided to take action. En mass, the students began to conjure all sorts of interesting things for Snape to land on - spikes, pits full of piranha borrowed from another chapter of this story, ground glass and even a few flaming pools of oil.

Meanwhile, Hermione turned to Harry and smacked him in the head with another frying pan. Harry whimpered and collapsed to the floor. Ron and Ginny both sighed and grabbed Harry for his trip to the infirmary.

"This is getting to be a habit," moaned Ron.

"I’m never getting laid in this chapter!" whined Ginny.

As they walked to the infirmary, none of them took notice of their potions Professor, who was currently located mid-field, on fire, screaming like a girl, running towards the lake. Perhaps someone would get around to tell him that the water in the lake was replaced with gasoline, though no one really thought that would happen.

Bursting through the doors of the infirmary, they threw Harry onto a bed and Ron went to get Madam Pomfrey. Hermione soothed Harry’s brow and, when Ginny wasn’t looking, hit him again with the frying pan.

Ron backed quickly out of infirmary office and sped to hide behind Hermione. Madam Pomfrey stepped out of her office wearing a black leather bustier, eight-inch spike leather boots that went all the way up to her thighs and she carried a bullwhip.

"Welcome to Poppy Pomfrey’s House of Pain," she said, cracking the whip.

Ron and Ginny grabbed the unconscious Harry and bolted from the infirmary, while Hermione asked Madam Pomfrey where she could get lingerie like that.

"I wonder were Vol…Vol…You-Know-Who is?" Ron puffed out as he tightened his grip on Harry.

"No idea," Ginny said, wondering how quickly she could ditch Ron so she could jump Harry.

A very groggy Harry lifted his head as Ron and Ginny dragged him through the halls.   "I know where Voldemort’s lair is," he groaned. "And I’ll tell you where it is if you’ll only put me down before a puke."

"Brilliant!" cried Ginny

"Brilliant?   Don’t you mean gross?   I mean it is puke, Ginny!" Ron said, dropping his best friend and jumping back, just to be safe.

Ginny rolled her eyes.   "You really are too stupid to live, Ron.   You know that, right?"

Abraxan hunched over her keyboard and swayed with exhaustion. This plot bunny was tearing her apart! Without thinking, she began to type again.

Voldemort reached blindly, his hands groping, until they closed upon two round objects that Wormtail had rolled into his chambers. He felt them carefully, and then cackling insanely he shoved them into his empty eye sockets.

Voldemort screamed intensely. After all, you’re supposed to scream when you shove something into your eye socket. Massive waves of pain radiated from his head and he barfed on Nagini.

Shaking his head wildly, he tried to focus his vision, knowing full well that his brain would require some time to adjust to his new eyes.

The scene cleared and Tiger Woods stepped up to the tee. The crowd hushed. He started to swing when suddenly a voice pierced his concentration. Tiger Wood, who was no relation to that Auror Michael Wood that Old Crow likes to kill in every story, released his golf club mid-swing, killing a nearby spectator.

"Wormtail, you moron! These are golf balls, not eye balls!" Voldemort shouted.

Wormtail was rolling around on the floor laughing his arse off - because he kept his wand in the back pocket against Moody’s advice.  

Alarms suddenly began to scream throughout the backup evil lair. Wormtail crawled to his feet and rushed to Voldemort’s backup evil lair throne room.

"Master, we’re under attack and our order of Henchmen haven’t arrived!"

"Who’s attacking us? Who dares to attack me, the Evil Voldemort?" The Dark Lord shouted, placing his pinky near his mouth in a near perfect imitation of Doctor Evil.

"It’s Harry Potter and the DA!" replied Wormtail.

"HAH! I laugh at the DA!"

"Oh, and he has a division of heavy tanks… and what looks like the US 7th Calvary."

"Damn you, Potter! Unleash the backup Evil lair Defenses! We’ll fight them off!" Voldemort snarled, because evil overlords are good at snarling.

Five thousand miles above the Evil Backup Lair, machine guns and Hermionebots leapt into action. The DA, seeing the hundreds of Hermionebots, recoiled back in fear from their hilltop, until Harry rode down in front of them, smacking his sword against theirs.

"This is a red day! A dead day! A bad scene stolen from that ‘Return of the King’ movie! Now fight, DA, for your homes, your country, your families, your women. And if you don’t have women, help yourself to a few Hermionebots. I’m sure the real Hermione won’t mind," shouted Harry Potter, General and Lord High Commander of the DA, third time winner of Witch Weekly’s Nicest Smile award, Holder of the Holy Athletic Supporter, Keeper of the Sacred Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder.

"Harry, you moron!" Hermione said, brandishing her frying pan menacingly at him.

Harry winced and Ginny sighed lustily at him. She had plans for some serious magic later tonight.

"Attack!" shouted Harry.

Abraxan spun in her computer chair, because it was a fun thing to do and laughed insanely. A small amount of drool dribbled down the side of her mouth and she peered at her computer with bloodshot eyes.

"CRY HAVOC!!! AND UNLEASH THE DOGS OF WAR!" Shouted Voldemort, then he spun in his command chair.

"Shields! Engage cloaking device!"

Wormtail banged his head on the wall and muttered, "I knew we shouldn’t have let him watch the ‘Undiscovered Country’!"

"Come Master, we must leave this place! I’ve already engaged the auto destruct!" Wormtail said.

"You have 20 seconds to reach minimum safe distance!" shouted a voice.

"RUN AWAY!" Voldemort commanded. As the backup evil lair exploded around him, he apparated away.

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