Ken Warner posted a comment on Friday 9th June 2006 10:10pm

another wonderful chapter - one of your very best. great job dealing with the emotionally wrought scenes, both Hermoine's little adventure and the battle area. Hermoine as a moth to the flame of knowledge is SO fitting.\

Thanks so much for your excellent work - and I need a RL address to send the donuts to.
I will be in the Boise - Nampa area in August - Is that close enough to take you out to dinner?

warmest regards

AJ4 posted a comment on Friday 9th June 2006 12:29pm

Another great chapter for this great story!!
-AJ : )

Whitewave511 posted a comment on Friday 9th June 2006 11:17am

Whew... I just spent half a week straight readin your two stories (this and sunset). Can I just say WOW!! This is an awesome story. I'm like y'all. I like H/G but the way you write H/Hr almost makes me change my mind. Like y'all intended its dark and angsty and humorous. I think that is what marks a good writer is being able to combine so many different aspects of writing. And yall do it so well. I must admit that I cam e kinda close to stop reading the first story cuz i thought it was a little.....weird. But despite that I kept on and I couldnt stop! So well, done! I cant wait for a new update! One request kind of thing? Maybe you could make a lil bit more Harry/Remus bonding?
Jen

AshWinder Index
This is a really good story if your lookin for one.

Rob2 posted a comment on Friday 9th June 2006 7:21am

Your action scenes are easily what makes this fic worth reading. The feeling of anticipation as Harry goes after Dumbledore in the previous chapter is exactly the sort of thing that this fanfiction is strong at - well-written plot with a strong main character.

They say that all good fiction should aim to suspend disbelief - to make the reader believe he is living the tale. Certainly with JKR's texts (with perhaps one notable exception, over which there is some controversy) have this feature about them; for some of your fic, this principle is in abundance - your research is always done stellarly (some laugh when I say that I know something I do because it was in a fanfic), and as mentioned your action scenes and the things that are not-too-far from canon are simply splendiferous. I will admit to being an avid follower of your fic until about chapter 7 or so of Sunrise.

That being said, there are two aspects that I feel I should touch on - as mentioned, I really enjoy your work, but as a fellow author (albeit one not nearly as accredited as yourselves), there are always things that are good to hear about. I don't request you change your ways - I know how easy it is to go on the defensive about this sort of thing, and I really don't want that; The intended message is not that 'the way you do things is horrible, and I want to eat your firstborn child, etc. etc..', but rather that these are things that are common errors (they show up in my own writing) that tend to lose you readers, and ultimately, the goal is to hold your readers' attentions.

The first is the absurd length of the chapters. In the hayday of my eyes, I used to be able to sit down and read the 400k works in a day and be fine when I woke up. I've irrevocably damaged my eyes from this and and as such, reading one of your chapters is long enough to make my eyes water. You have huge depth-of-plot, but at times it is too much, even. The point of writing is not to keep your reader busy; it is to tell a story and tell it well and concisely. Verbosity is not only useless, it is a good way to guarantee you won't get published or read any more. I can live with the length of your chapters - it's largely author's preference, and although my own tend towards the 8K range, it is nobody's business but your own how long your chapters. However, if you are going to make your chapters so long, it needs to be concise and purposeful. Harry plotting to do something for the first time is fine; when you show it three or four times (and again, not saying you do, this is purely an example) it gets tiring; likewise, when you showcase the residents of Haven going on with their lives, showing their appreciation to Harry is equally fine.

However, again, we don't need to see it over and over again just because it develops some original character whose role is to die in the next chapter, or be a farmer. Stick with your main characters and devote your time on developing them. Where your protagonist, sidekick and antagonist and are dynamic, you will write a page-turner; where you try to cover the world and briefly introduce everyone, you will write a nice paperweight. Be succinct, and develop the characters you have. When I come back to your work after a month to read a new update, I can't keep track of them, because they have not been developed.

Again, I stress that you have very strong writing - don't take this as put-down, merely as constructive criticism. Your action scenes and depth of plot are far above many of the rest and your writing style itself is great. It's, as mentioned, your brevity, and your respect to the material that need work.

By respect to the material, I mean that despite the fact that it is alternate-universe, you must still pay the Potterverse heed. Changing facts is fine; if in order to do a fic about Remus adopting Harry after the third year then obviously you need to change some of the issues. Some of the best fanfictions, and most of my favorites are alternate-universe. The problem with half of them, and indeed to at least some extent with yours is that there is not a respect for the depth of world that Miss Rowling has created, and at least while we are writing fanfiction, we must try to obey that. Your book is filled with wonderful magics and amazing feats; this is fine, because it is an alternate-universe you are entitled to do this, to break oath with JKR's vision of magic - however, while your magic is interesting, JKR's remains easier to read, easier to believe, and easier to understand.

Her idea of magic is very loosely defined - perhaps intentionally so, I'm sure - but there are only very few wizards who posess ultimate power. Regardless of Harry's power, the members of the Brotherhood are proportionately stronger than most of the strongest wizards and witches of JKR's world, and coming from a background where JKR has written six (five, at the time that you started) and you have written two (in the series), JKR's vision is far more prevalent in our heads. Your magic, by being so inexplicably powerful without any limitations (other than the prophecy, which is not sufficient to prevent Harry from being God to many, and by being so abundantly powerful, fails to suspend disbelief. It reads like a fanfiction, rather than a naturalized JKR novel. If this is your intent, then kudos to you, but in a genre where you wish to be taken seriously, you must make a serious attempt at artistic integrity, and though you write well, you must suspend my belief for me to buy another of your books (assuming you were selling them, which in a sense you are - you are trying to get me to believe it and like it; thus you have pitched me the book).

Again, this comes after nearly a year of faithful readership without a review. Your work has obviously kept me enthralled enough that I have continued reading. Your novels are wonderful pieces of work, and though I suggest you make them more concise (which may improve your update speed (much to the delight of your readers, and my own!) and attempt to fill in the details or limit the magics which may be done to catch my belief again, I do strongly feel that you are wonderful writers, and I hope you continue entertaining the literate masses for many years to come.

Thank you for many months of good reading material,
Le Rob.

DrT posted a comment on Friday 9th June 2006 12:52am

From the way you first described dark auras, I would have thought willing abandoning a child to abuse, overseeing that abuse, robbing him, having Sirius spend time in Azkaban and then arranging his murder, and all the other crimes you've had him do and oversee and approve of would have darkened Dumbledore's aura far more than most of the unmarked recruits (they can't ALL be murderers, but, it is your story. . . . Still, you could have at least made him take a Tums!

"T"

DrT posted a comment on Thursday 8th June 2006 8:02am

A well-done ceremony. Obviously my take of Druidic magic in a Potterverse is different, but it was fun to see your ideas.

"T"

Allen_b posted a comment on Monday 5th June 2006 3:17pm

Well, I have to say that I am blown away. You (both) write such amazing fan fiction that has had me captivated for weeks. I first read Dumbledore's Army on Fanfiction.net. I have been a fan ever since.

I would definitely say that I am a H/Hr shipper. However, your H/G stories have been well written and a joy to read. I was trying to stay on the fence between the two. After reading your H/Hr stories, I can't stay on the fence.

I could start a rant about my beliefs, but this is suppose to be about your wonderful story. I will rant on the Yahoo group when I can get a chance.

I don't like Super!Harry or Invincible!Harry stories because it is usually written by 12 year olds that can barely put two coherent sentences together. You've written such a attention grabbing thriller that I overlook this fault.

Please keep writing and feeding the inquisitive minds of your fans. Y'all make me want to put my thoughts down on paper. I just can't focus on one idea for a story.

Love your intros. Glad to see GalaxyQuest finally make an appearance in them.

Thank You.

Allen Brown

Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Monday 5th June 2006 1:34am

Just another fabulous chapter. I have felt Luna had some role above and beyond - a uniqueness all her own beyond the typical. Can't wait.

I'm also interested in Dumbledore trying to 'enlist' Moody and how Mad-Eye will foil his attempts.

Tons of cleverness - as usual. Great work.

skywalker64089 posted a comment on Sunday 4th June 2006 7:45pm

Definitely eager for more of this. I will be watching with interest.

S.

Kristina posted a comment on Sunday 4th June 2006 9:30am

good chapter, can't wait to see what happens next.

Amamama posted a comment on Friday 2nd June 2006 3:37am

Thanks! Wonderful mix of adventure, romance and excitement. As always. I love your Luna, and I really look forward to she her develop her abilities. Harry is a favourite, of course, his magic-sensing abilities are quite fascinating. Hard to point out anything to praise, as this would then just be an abridged chapter, I love it all.

Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work. Oh - and go easy on the spanking, it makes sitting by the computer to write wonderful fanfic a bit hard if it's overdone... ;-)

TheBlackPearl posted a comment on Thursday 1st June 2006 1:06am

Honeymoons! *squeeeeeeeee* Okay, enough of that, but it was nice to see them all get a bit of down time and quality private time.

Loved the sequence with Harry in the library. Awesome bit of action, that. And the way he took Hermione and left Anafi. Way cool. I wanna fly with Harry like that. ;)

Very interesting chapter. I am always surprised and amazed with what you two come up with.

Pam

Erik Wiggins posted a comment on Wednesday 31st May 2006 3:34pm

I love Luna! This chapter seemd to take forever to be posted! Yes I'm a selfish S.O.B. I love the story and the writing is tops but I want to continue the story immediately and I can't really care whether our illustrious authors sleep or not! Lol! Keep up the great worK!

TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Wednesday 31st May 2006 4:20am

Very good chapter and great story.

gunny

scott2 posted a comment on Monday 29th May 2006 5:19pm

Loved the story, but, and this is probably unfair, I wnted to slap hermione up side the head when she told harry off for using magic in the library, it probably looked like a battle zone and she was just angry, as far as I've seen harry nearly always has a reason, and I don't think she even apologised! (shrug) that's my little rant done with.

Great chapter and hope for more soon :)

nurray posted a comment on Monday 29th May 2006 4:42pm

What you have against "Amy's". First it was a portable hole. Now an ejection seat on a broom and Fred & Georges rocket thingy gets her.

Did an Amy reject you at some time in the past and this your revenge on her?

Is Alyx's middle name Amy? (if the answer is yes I'm not sure I want to see the resulting carnage).

Will Amy start featuring on the introductions instead of Snape/Rickman?


Onto lesser matters. Another good chapter. Nice to see Alastor Moody turn up. Didn't think he would get caught by the Death Eaters. Hmmm... does he have some occulemency and legimancy skills to pick up Dumbledore's thoughts at the end. It would certainly fit with the paranoia of Moody, and I would expect he self trained for it.

I would have thought he would want to help out with the British fight back, though that hasn't really started as yet.

I wonder if Moody has seen what Dumbledore has been doing and Moody now regrets his part in helping Dumbledore so much and is disillusioned.

Kathleen posted a comment on Monday 29th May 2006 10:18am

Too bad about the honeymoons. Seems like only Draco and Luna's went well. But hey, who would want to ready a story in which everything was wonderful?

Badger-dude posted a comment on Monday 29th May 2006 6:32am

Kl chapter

freakyfinger posted a comment on Monday 29th May 2006 3:18am

Is someone gonna go get Susan's wand?

Ltank687 posted a comment on Sunday 28th May 2006 6:01pm

So glad you updated! keep up the hard work and although I don't have anything pertinent to say I figured you guys like reviews from readers who appreciate the hard work you're putting into your stories.

Truth be told, I love how you integrate Muggle/Wizarding relations and weapons (no story can come close to this) and how you have created this whole world, instead of just Britain and HArry fighting purebloods, killing Voldemort, and marrying some girl. Thank you.

Your story is believable and that is what makes it so magical.