HitAndRun posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 6:37pm

Hi again!

After abandoning this fic around chapter 16, I now came back and read the last few chapters to see if my pet peeves had solved out. Indeed they have!

Your writing style is still a bit slow, but at the same time there's so much info crammed in everywhere, I'm sure you must be wondering if there's not too much happening.

Harry's and Hermione's wedded bliss is annoying me a bit, still, because all though there has been ups and downs in their relationship, it is still not at the point which I call "normal". But, hey, they have a very mature and loving relationship, of the kind that I strive to achieve, so the only thing that irks me is that I'm not there yet.

However, the entire American-woman thing does bugg the HELL out of me. Do women really behave like this? I feel like I'm reading David Eddings all over again, and I gave up on him because (A) his characters were stereotypical and followed the same pattern all the time and (B) because of his extremely annoying female/male perspective. Yes, I'll admit that it is hilarious, when done right. But done wrong, or too much, it simply becomes tedious. You're on the line to tedious. I swear most men would get angry and annoyed if a woman did the "I'm a woman and I know best" or "Sush, big boy, let me take care of this" or "You can't understand this, you have a d**k!" things. I know my fiancé would sit me down to talk if that ever happened.

I don't know if I simply have a wierd way of looking at relationships, having done M/s and TakenInHand relationships, but to me that kind of behaviour takes away parts of the intimacy. And I know Harry and Hermione can't risk that right now, nor would they want to.

On the note of M/s: You've done a good job with Severus and his girl, showing her in a conflict between being insane, rebellious and veiwing him as her Master. The third person-speech is classical, and if you want to make her more submissive in the future, start sneaking in thrid person-speech even when she's talking to herself. It is very common among slaves/submissives. Does make me wonder what kind of experience you have... *looks michivously at Alyx* (You know, you must be good authors if your readers start to wonder about your sexlife) www.slaveregistry.com and www.RLslavery.com are good research pages for you. www.takeninhand.com and Talo's page about Internal Enslavement are others.

The characters are very vibrant in you writing, I enjoy that very much. Other authors seem not to notice that the characters are more then words on paper, but you to a good job on making them three-dimensional. Ginny is the one that's probably the most difficult to write, and the one that seems very stereotypical at times. Keep your eyes on the redhead!

You miss spellings on "your" and "you're" at times, but I have noticed that of late that has become very common, especially in American autors. (You're getting off the hook because you're American's - sheesh... I wonder what happens next...)

As a closing note, some tips for your disclimers:

Tie Snape up and have Luna torture him.
Make someone animate Dumbledore's corpse.
See what happens if you peel the skin of Lucius, an inch at the time.
Burn someone at a stake, while De Lion screams "witchhunt!".
Use the scenes from Wishmaster, especially the one where he asks a guy if he wants to escape - when the guys says "yes", the Djin puts him in a sealed tank, wearing a mental-care-sweater (you know what I mean); he then walks away with the words "houdini did it in under three minutes - let's see how well you'll do".
Make Crookshanks kill something(-one).
Flush Amy down a toilet.
Make Fred and George discover the pleasure of having female bits, with the help of Hagrid...


Ah... that should get you started... *dusts off shoulder* So, which one of you can I flirt with now? *smiles sweetly*

Bobmin356 replied:

Alyx here. This review was a little confusing for me. You never really said what your pet peeves were (although I might have missed themt, as it's very late here), but I'm glad they were resolved to your satisfaction.

We could have quicked the pace of the story and let many of our subplots fall by the way, but that's just lazy. There are a lot of things we came up with that we simply didn't put in the story because it would have slowed things down even more. But we're not willing to compromise our vision just to quicken the pace.

What is a "normal" relationship? I've never seen one, myself. No two are alike, and what works for one couple won't work for another.

American woman? I don't really know what you mean here. I can tell you that, as an American woman, I've never had any problems in dealing with men. As you have a background in M/s, I'm thinking you won't like the way the relationships in this story continue to evolve. I don't have a submissive bone in my body and the only character I've ever written that way is Snape's slave. But if you enjoy reading about submissive women, I can tell you that you won't like where that "relationship" ends up.

As for our sex life...er...*Cough* Yeah, we'll just leave that one alone :D

We do our best to try to make the characters something more than just words on a screen. Giving them flaws or letting them make mistakes helps bring a bit of realism to them, we think.

LOL!   Don't let me off on miss spellings just because I'm an American. I can assure you, I have several teachers and professors who, if they read this, would be lining up to smack me around for my mistakes! Things slip past in the editing process, only because *I* know what's supposed to be there, so my eyes sort of slip right over the mistakes. It's annoying, let me tell you!

In any case, thanks for the review! While I'm not sure what peeves we've addressed, I can tell you that much of the stuff you don't like about our story will probably continue. Feel free to walk away from it if you want, though. There are plenty of other authors out there who might be better able to meet your needs, including some here on FFA.net!

~Alyx~

photobug33 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 3:37pm

was there a little bit of vulcan language within the ritual with the evil dagger?
I'm enjoying your little project immensely keep up the good work.

lbfan posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 2:33pm

Using our beloved author JKR in the disclaimer was bad form. Is nothing sacrid?

Thorfinna posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 1:42pm

Ok, I just have to pause in my inhaling of your wonderful writing and comment on religion.

Thank you. Why?? I've read a ton of work where the muggleborns all suddenly become Goddess spouting Pagans. It seems to me to be way more believable that a Christian muggleborn would have to come to grips with the concept that the Wizard world didn't necessarily believe the same way. Its not a huge part, but its a nice touch and its the little details that make a good story. Ok, along with excellent plot line and characterization, not to mention well written with good grammer.

nice work you two.....

T

Alex00 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 11:25am

Great work.

rippergirl posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 10:27am

I was just thinking the other day that it would be awesome to see an update on this story and what happens it came true! I think I need a million dollars. Damn didn't work. On with the review. Glad to see Peeves is allright. I didn't think he was dead but I'm glad that he wasn't. Glad to see that Minerva is ok as well. Nice to see Moldyshorts make a boo boo. Hope everything goes ok on the trip to France as well. Can't wait till next chappie. And I gues if Bob's got a newer, faster computer that would be here even quicker eh.

scott2 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 9:38am

enjoyable as always but not enough luna for my tastes :)

lelila posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 9:13am

well written, well edited and it's an awesome story. i can't really ask for more.

nice to see that u didn't kill off minerva. i didn't think u would but it gets iffy what u people will and will not do sometimes. also glad to see peeves isn't gone. he's way too much fun to take out of the story. and he brough reinforcements. ooh, the trouble they will cause. will they all stay once the war is over or will they all leave?

it's nice to see ginny and neville really stepping up to things. each couple's got their own thing going. will we see more of the others' powers? did they all get nifty talents with their power boost?

orla will cause trouble for the brotherhood, won't she, with that i'm insane and killed people thing with that evil dagger. i imagine politics demand that her imprisonment be used for evil means. at least she's crazy and won't know. i feel bad for her, really.

i really hope ahmar dies a really horrible death. he's downright annoying really. have the house elves cut him and cook into sausage that's fed to the pigs but that might be cruel to the pigs.

that's all. i await for my fix of the next chapter.

Sophophobia posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 8:53am

My thanksgiving was very good, thanks.

Er, by the way, i'd just like to point this out:

"Neville Longbottom is here to see you, Minister."

"Thank you, Rose. Please send him him ," Amelia replied, smiling at her secretary.

-Sopho
:)

jessiepp posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 8:31am

hey what is up guys good job. i like the story so far. the way you guys discribe stuff like the spells and such is really good and for me since i am blind i can picture it in my mind more clearly. if you want to email me jessiepp@bellsouth.net and on skype jessie and msn hernandez_jessie@hotmail.com

James13 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 8:29am

Oi, thank god I got my fix of Potterverse. This has to be one of my favorite fics out there and not only is it epic, dare I say it's WELL written and very well edited.

Well polished and good work. Writers like you are the reason why I even bother to check the net for well written stories.

Cheers

DaZZa posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 8:18am

Hey Alyx - do those horns holding up your halo ever get tired from holding the weight?

Lang posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 4:37am

To be honest, I hope there's lots of Amhar bashing when Harry deals with him.

I hope lots of truths come out so you can perfectly describe how much sweat he's having to wipe from his brow because he's so utterly stupid and guilty.

That being said, I also hope he gets blamed for the death of Korwin... just so people can call him something other than [insert as many dereogatory words you can here].

Anyways, great chapter! Glad to see the new computer is working. Also if a deal came with the computer for a free upgrade to Windows Vista... DON'T DO IT!

Lang

MonkeyAxman1302 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 4:22am

Good chapter! Does it make me a bad person that I'm kind of disappointed Minerva surprised! I wanted her too, but I kind of think it would have been more shocking for her to have died!

I'm glad that peeves is back, especially with help!

Just want to ask about Harry, Remus's and Hermione's reaction to the news of Voldies sceptre! You say something about a power conduit matching the power source! Will you explain this more? Just shooting out ideas here, does it mean that Voldie can drain himself quickly if the conduit is bit enough?

Keep writing, us readers may complain about cliffies but I think deep down we love 'em because they keep us salivating for more!

Monkey

Rebel Goddess posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 3:43am

Eeek, poor Minerva! I like the way you use Millicent though. Ginny's way of dealing with the dagger, Amhar's discovery of the body and Harry's dirty conversation with Hermione were all gripping. Great chapter. More please.

Tracey1 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 3:42am

Okay - so I guess I need to apologize for crucioing Bob for the cliffie last chapter since y'all did not kill off Professor Kittycat (love that moniker!). But, leaving us anxious for the next chapter is not a good idea!! We may get withdrawals and start throwing crucios around for the heck of it.

Malimber ConDoin posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 3:21am

Hail,
That was great. Wonderful! Absolutely amazing! Did I like what I read? Ohh, hell yes. The details and intensity of this fic is quite amazing lots of great ideas, nice balance, nice writing style, great story development. This story is incredible, awesome, brilliant, magnificent, amazing and I love it as I was reading it had me wondering what will happen next.

Well thanks for writing and I look forward to your next update.
Regards
Malimber ConDoin
I read for pleasure only.

Jenni posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 3:01am

fabulous chapter... fun and entertaining as always

Keronshara posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 2:08am

Why do you keep referring to Draco as Draco Malfoy? I thought that he is a Black now. (Narcissa divorced Lucious, thereby becoming a Black once more and adopted Draco under that name, i.e. Black.) Yet Neville, and others who know him, call him Draco Malfoy instead of Draco Black.

Luna, on the other hand, is always called Mrs. Black. (Wizengamot committee members not withstanding.)

Bobmin356 replied:

Draco is Draco Black. But politically he will be forever associated with his father's name. While Harry and the people of Haven think of him as Draco Black. Others will think of him still as Draco Malfoy. And there is no denying the fact that Lucius Malfoy is the muggle overlord of Britain at the moment.

la13 posted a comment on Monday 27th November 2006 1:31am

enjoyed this chapter like usual! i'm most glad to see that peeves is back.