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Attack of the Fan Fic Authors
Chapter 7 - Harry goes to Azkaban
By Bobmin
Harry and everyone
Harry Meets Azkaban
The dawn slowly filtered into the window of our Generic Azkaban Fan Fiction Author’s window and he glanced up. He had two choices, he could go to school or he could cut his classes and work on his latest Azkaban opus. Shaking his head, he took another toke on his joint and wondered if his parents would be hung over enough to not notice the smell of his smoking.
Facing his computer, he began to type.
It was a dark and stormy night.
He frowned and pounded his head against the wall, which woke his little sister. He went back and erased the line, staring over.
It was dark in the prison cell. Outside, the fury of a north Atlantic storm raged against the shores of the island and Harry Potter swung from the bars like the ape in a Samsonite commercial from many years ago. He used it as a training regime and it was fun to do. It was now his sixth year of confinement in Azkaban for crimes that we invented and you know he didn’t commit.
In his first year of imprisonment, he nearly went insane. But instead, he developed a magical hangnail on his large toe that enabled him to resist the power of the Dementors by chewing for hours on it.
Finished swinging, Harry crouched down in a corner and slowly peeled the legs off a spider before eating it. Every so often he’d giggle slightly, then his eyes would lose focus and he’d mumbled arcane and dangerous things like, "Light paths are direct connections between the source of data and the recipient over an optical network," and "Going into the polarized proton-proton run, PHENIX faced the challenge that the RCF would be busy reconstructing and analyzing gold-gold and copper-copper data recorded in 2004 and 2005."
Clearly Harry Potter was an insane genius who had miraculously picked up his knowledge as a result of his extensive stay in the Wizarding prison. He had also, just as a hobby, mastered Wandless Magic, telekinesis and Japanese origami, which should never be confused with Japanese Origasmi, which is something entirely different. He had given up on his attempts to conjure anti-matter, Kryptonite and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Today was a special day. Being a super powered Harry, he knew that Voldemort and his forces would be coming to rescue all of the Dark Lord’s henchmen from prison. What Voldemort didn’t know was that the Order knew of his plans and was planning to stop him. What the Order of the Phoenix and Voldemort didn’t know was that Harry Potter knew that they knew of Voldemort’s plans and their plans to stop him, and he was making plans himself to kill Voldemort, prove his innocence and make all of his old friends feel really bad about their treatment of him, get some free money from the Government, make Fudge quiver in fear and perhaps pose for Playwitch. However, all of that would come only after he’d found a pain-reliving potion to deal with the headache this paragraph had caused him.
Harry’s eyes unfocused, because your eyes do that when you’re seeing things really far away with walls and crap in between you and what your seeing. Then he looked up at the readers and grinned. "They’re here!" he said in a little girl voice. Nearby a television was tuned to an empty channel showing static and snow. A short woman appeared with an annoying voice, but Harry didn’t want any distractions so he transfigured her into an apple and tossed her to the starving inmate across the hall from him.
Our author grunted in pain and pulled the alligator clip out of his butt, then sat back down so he could continue his story. He felt this was a really good one, one that would make people stand up and go ‘wow’ or maybe even ‘yay’, although he would settle for ‘cool’ or ‘gnarly’.
His fingers buzzed over his keyboard and his mouse smoked as it moved at high speed. He must finish this story now!
Earlier that evening at Hogwarts…
Severus Snape stepped out of the fireplace coughing, his robes on fire. Several Order members turned a fire hose on him to put out the blaze.
"Headmaster, when are you going to fix this thing?" Snape shouted, still trying to put out his hair. Petroleum fires are notoriously difficult to put out and very smoky.
"Oh Severus," the Headmaster began, only to pause long enough to cough heavily. "Do stop whining. We are most sick of it. One would have thought that once we imprisoned Potter on those made up charges, you would have mellowed. But no…" He paused once again and coughed into his snot rag. "No, you have to be the Sith Lord in training. Now put out your hair and let’s get to business."
Everyone froze and stared at Dumbledore in shock.
"Wait a minute," screeched Hermione. "You mean Harry was innocent?"
Dumbledore buffed his nails. "Of course he was innocent! I did it for the greater good. You got laid, Hermione. I got to rob his family vault, Severus got to gloat, the Weasleys got money and Fudge became happy and cooperative. Hell, even Voldemort was happy. You see? The greater good."
Hermione looked at her husband, Ron, and her lower lip trembled. The guilt she was feeling was massive. "B-b-but! Ronald, tell me you didn’t know about this!" she demanded, whirling on her husband of three years.
Ron looked nervously at his wife. He never could lie to her. Well, he could, and often tried, but he rarely got away with it.
"I didn’t know a thing!" he replied in protest. His brow was furrowed and sweating, his hands shook violently, steam rose from his ears and his stiffy wilted.
Hermione relaxed and smiled fondly at him. "Oh, alright. So what’s on the telly tonight?"
Snape finally put out his hair and straightened up. "I’m afraid you’ll have to forgo watching the Red Green reruns, Mrs. Weasley. The Dark Lord is due to attack Azkaban tonight at eight o’clock. He will attack from the east, southeast, using a mix of thirty-five dementors and two hundred and eighty three Death Eaters. He has also trained several dolphins to carry wands and limpet mines. I would tell you more, but he doesn’t reveal his plans to me," said the sly spy.
Dumbledore turned to Hermione. "Isn’t tonight the night they explain bondage and the uses of duct tape on Red Green?" he asked.
"Yes. I was planning on taping it. Would you like me to make you a copy?" asked Hermione brightly.
Dumbledore nodded happily then turned to face the rest of the Order. "Very well, we can spend the next three hours preparing nifty little traps and weapons to kill Death Eaters, or we can play Chutes and Ladders and arrive at Azkaban unprepared. What say the Order of the Phoenix?" asked Dumbledore.
"Chutes and Ladders" cried the group. And there was much rejoicing in Hogwarts that night.
Meanwhile, aboard Voldemort’s invasion fleet…
Well, its not really a fleet, but it sounds more impressive than three tugboats and a tramp freighter. Voldemort had positioned his chair so he could lean to one side and hurl over the edge as needed. It was a rough night and he hadn’t yet developed his sea legs.
Suddenly Wormtail rushed into the room. "My Lord! The Death Star has just entered the system and we have the Rebel base on the scanners. We will be in firing range in thirty minutes."
Voldemort eyed his prime minion and wondered if it was possible to hire someone new to take his place at this late stage in the game.
"Oh really?" drawled the Dark Lord menacingly.
Wormtail realized that he was in trouble and shook his head. "No, not really, my Lord. But I always wanted to say that!"
"And what of Azkaban?" asked the Dark Lord, who was starting to get really quite annoyed with his top minion.
"Azkaban? Oh shit! I thought you wanted us to invade Gilligan’s Island! I’ll go tell the captain to change course right away," moaned Wormtail, who knew he really fucked up and probably wouldn’t get any dinner tonight. Well, maybe he’d get dinner, but certainly no dessert and Cook made these wonderful treacle tarts.
"Do that, then cast the Cruciatus curse on yourself, Wormtail. You’re far too stupid for me to waste my time."
"Yes, my lord. I will!" he shouted, then ran from the room.
A moment later the invasion fleet changed course. Fortunately for this story, Gilligan’s Island and Azkaban Island were quite close together. We’ll just pretend there are no differences between a tropical island and an island in the north Atlantic.
Just off the bridge of the tramp freighter, Wormtail cringed and cast the Cruciatus curse on himself.
Voldemort winced and privately told himself that intelligence should be a factor in hiring minions from here on out.
Azkaban, the Present…
Voldemort faced the remnants of the Order of the Phoenix, because that’s what always happens in these fics. The two groups had fought but, as we all know, the light side is full of wimps who are afraid to kill the bad guys, so they got their arses handed to them on a silver platter.
"Still fighting with two hands tied behind your back, old fool?" sneered Voldemort at the kneeling, disarmed and completely bewildered Order members. Usually by now Harry would come out, have his innocence proclaimed in front of witnesses, and then save the day!
"We know you came here to free Potter," shouted Ron Weasley, who still hadn’t learned to keep his mouth shut.
"Foolish child," murmured Voldemort. "Avada Kedavra!"
Ron died in Hermione’s arms and she wailed and gnashed her teeth in much anguish. Draco, standing behind Voldemort, barked a laugh.
"I have no patience for foolish children and their childish games. And you’ll not get me to admit that I framed Harry Potter, either! I’m not that stupid and I’m not going to tell you that it was a polyjuiced Draco who killed Hagrid’s dog, Fang, and Mrs. Norris. Nor will I remind you that Wormtail, as stupid and as weak as he is, was one of the designers of the map that you used so well to prove Potter’s guilt, and condemn him to this hell hole. No, you’ll not get me to admit it was all our doing and that it was you who sent your savior to this prison. Nope, not gonna happen!" said Voldemort, laughing maniacally.
Ginny Weasley, who had once hoped to marry Harry Potter and take advantage of his massive wealth while secretly screwing Severus Snape on the side, wailed in grief. Those near to her flinched and bled from their ears as the Gryffindor Slut realized she had missed the gravy train big time.
The rest of the Order hung their heads in shame over what they had done to their savior and hoped that Harry would get here before they all ended up like the very dead Ron.
Suddenly from around the corner came a blizzard of white and Voldemort’s men flinched back violently as the Origami blizzard poked out eyeballs and slid down the necks of robes, causing many Death Eaters to writhe with unreachable itchies.
Voldemort pounded his fists together. "Curses! Harry Potter and the power I’m not supposed to know anything about. Who would have thought it would have turned out to be an Origami Army of Death! We must flee, my minions!"
A moment later, Harry, the Boy-Who-Lived-Only-To-End-Up-In-Azkaban-For-Something-He-Didn’t-Do-Because-The-Author-Couldn’t-Think-Of-An-Original-Plot, walked around the corner and brandished his hangnail menacingly. The strange growth glowed a bright green and he flexed his toe. Despite his looking like he’s just arrived after a deluxe accommodations stay at Club Gulag, Hermione and Ginny sighed lustily. When his toe reached full stretch, the Death Eaters started to explode.
Hermione pushed Ron’s body away from her, smoothed her skirt and tried to look both contrite and alluring.
Ginny looked at Hermione, scowled, and then ripped her own blouse, exposing one breast for Harry to ogle.
Harry snickered and tried not to ogle the offered boob, but he couldn’t help himself. Hell, if you’d spent six years in Azkaban someone as ugly as Martha Stewart would have you salivating and humping your cot. But he didn’t have Martha to ogle. He had Ginny. And if he played his cards right, Hermione might just up the stakes and strip naked!
"Pay attention, damnit!" shouted Snape. "You nearly hit me, you moronic Gry…"
Suddenly there was nothing but a smoking hole where Snape once stood. Harry blinked and shouted a quick, "Sorry!" before returning to the task of killing Death Eaters. Meanwhile, Hermione pounced on Ginny and was busy pounding her head on the cold stone floor.
"You slut!" she shouted. "I bet I would have fought you for Ron if he wasn’t your brother!"
Ginny slugged Hermione in the mouth and the bushy haired young woman staggered backwards. Climbing to her feet she kicked Hermione once in the head, then stepped back to smooth her skirt. "I’ll have you know I already had Ron. He was used goods after Fred and I got done with him."
George looked at Fred incredulously and Fred managed to look ashamed of himself.
Harry, noticing that Voldemort and Wormtail had escaped, and all the other Death Eaters were dead, then noticed the two girls fighting. Grinning, he conjured a chair and a bowl of popcorn and sat down to watch the fight.
Dumbledore stood and moved to break the two girls apart. He couldn’t quiz Harry and prepare to take control of his life all over again with two girls fighting in the background. He reached out and grabbed Ginny by the arm. She spun and kicked Dumbledore solidly in the balls.
His glasses immediately shattered and steam spit from his ears.
Everyone paused to the sound of clapping. "Bravo! Kick him again!" Shouted Harry gleefully. He then performed a back flip over the back of his chair before leaping up to cling to some nearby bars.
Hermione and Ginny managed to look embarrassed. Ginny turned to adjust her skirt again and never noticed the large floating sign Hermione had conjured over her head, which read: "Rent-a-slut".
Harry lifted an eyebrow at Hermione and she raised her head higher. "Real men appreciate a woman for her mind, not just her body," she said loftily.
"Not men who haven’t seen a titty in six years, Hermione," smirked Harry.
"I swallow!" shouted Hermione desperately. And then she realized what she had just said, and whom she had said it front of.
Remus eyed her with renewed interest.
"Harry," began Dumbledore, "while you’ve been talking with your playmates, I’ve been in contact with the Wizzinggametes and we have passed several nasty laws which do nothing to anyone except you. I’m afraid you’ve got to come back to Hogwarts and complete your schooling, then we need to keep you around to kill Voldemort, after which we’ll probably treat you really bad and send you to Azkaban."
"Again?" asked Harry incredulously.
"Yes, Harry," replied Dumbledore. This was the part he loved, where he got to screw his student royally and Harry couldn’t do anything about it.
Harry thought about it for a moment. "Well, while you were making those stupid laws, I destroyed Hogwarts!"
Dumbledore blinked in surprise. What good were laws if he didn’t have a school to force him to go to?
"Well, while you were destroying Hogwarts I passed laws making it impossible for you to destroy Hogwarts!"
Harry stood, walked over and stared the old man down. "Well while you were making laws, I destroyed the wizzing-thingie you make the laws at. HAH! Beat that, old man!"
"Fine!" shouted Dumbledore petulantly.
"Fine!" countered Harry.
"I still have a longer dick than you do, Harry!" shouted Dumbledore.
"Maybe, old man, but at least mine works! Yours stopped working fifty years ago!"
"That’s not true," came a shout from both Minerva and Hagrid, who then looked at each other in shock.
"Oh, this is silly," snarled Harry, grabbing Hermione and Ginny by a hand. "I’m going to go find us a cot. I’m going to leave these two bimbos sore from some serious screwing and then I’m out of this story!"
Harry vanished and Dumbledore staggered backwards in shock. Without Harry in the story, whom would he be able to measure dicks against? Then he eyed Remus with interest.
The werewolf flinched slightly, then sighed in resignation. After all, it wasn’t as if they hadn’t done it before.