Content Harry Potter
  • Previous
  • Next

Harry and everyone

When Stars go on strike!

Bob and Alyx stared at the selected author and frowned. Despite their best efforts, the screen remained blank.

Scowling, Bob walked to the star’s trailers and began to pound on the doors. In a moment, both Voldemort and Harry Potter were looking at Bob, who stood in the roadway, fuming.

"You two! Into my office! Now!" growled Bob.

Both stars slammed their doors in Bob’s face. And Bob became upset.

A moment later there came a knock at the door of Harry Potter’s trailer. Harry opened the door and jumped back in surprise when Bob pitched in several sticks of lit dynamite.

Harry bolted from his trailer and hid behind Bob. A minute later, Harry’s trailer exploded. Shrapnel from the trailer tore through Voldemort’s trailer, shearing most of it from the chassis.

Voldemort looked up at the wreckage of his trailer and quickly threw a towel over a stunned and naked Dumbledore, who lounged in Voldemort’s jacuzzi.

"Now that I have your attention, I want to see you both in my office… now," Bob said mildly.

Meekly the deadly duo followed Bob. Both realized that no matter how mighty their powers might be, one wrong word to Bob and they could end up doing a cross over of Harry Potter meets the Muppet Babies. And Miss Piggy would have the hots for both of them.

Entering Bob’s office, they moved over to the expensive conference table. Unlike the stars, Bob and Alyx preferred to spend their budgets on meaningful things, like fancy conference tables and chairs you can spin around in, rather than wasting it on things like henchmen and bikinis.

Alyx came in to sit next to Bob. Despite his best efforts, Bob has not be able to get Alyx into a bikini… or naked… at any time during this series. Bob sighed and shuffled some papers as he realized that his wife didn’t have to give him the time of day. Ginny and Hermione he could get to dance naked on the roof while shouting the time to him, but a wife had license to ignore her husband.

"Okay, just what is the problem with you two? We have a production schedule to keep. And yes, I said schedule. I don’t care if the Brits pronounce it shedual," growled Bob.

Alyx reached over and smacked Bob in the head, because wives are allowed to do such things, and then glared at the two stars. "I’m deeply disappointed with you two. Now what is the problem?"

"Well," said both Harry and Voldemort. The two turned to look at each other, then Harry gestured for Voldemort to go first. Voldemort nodded and smiled at Harry.

"It’s like this, guys. You did really good in Dumbledore’s Army and Spiritus Crystalus, and I can’t believe the air time you got us with Sunset. But I don’t understand what the fuck is going on with this fiction. Short chapters, all my henchmen are morons… it’s embarrassing and you’re making me the laughing stock of the Evil Overlord crowd," whined Voldemort.

Harry nodded, agreeing Voldemort’s comments and waited politely for his turn to air his grievances.

"I say, I quite agree with Tom here. You two are making me look quite the fool. What the hell was that bit in Azkaban? A magical hangnail? What’s next? The holy hand grenade?"

Bob leaned over to nudge Alyx. "Write that one down," he whispered.

"I was just joking!" shouted Harry.

Bob nodded benignly and motioned to Harry to continue.

"I’m getting tired of looking the fool. I want someone else to look like the fool next time or I’m going on strike!" Harry pronounced.

"Me too!" announced Voldemort.

Alyx nodded and looked thoughtful for moment. "I think we can work with this. But is that all you want?"

Voldemort leaned back. "I want Henchmen! Lots of them! Smart ones!"

"I want a really cool power. Oh, and I want both Ginny and Hermione." Harry announced.

"You really are a sleaze ball, aren’t you Harry? I thought it was just the hormonally challenged Fan Fic authors," said Alyx, looking at Harry in disgust.

Bob wisely held his tongue and hoped Harry got his wish. Harry looked at Alyx and shrugged. "I’d throw you into the mix too, but your married," he offered.

Voldemort snickered and popped open another can of Jolt Cola. "I need a masseuse, also. After a long day on the set, my back really hurts from wearing this costume."

Harry looked interested. "I wouldn’t mind one of those. And how about some video games, too?"

"I need a new trailer! Bob blew mine up!"

"Mine too!"

Alyx scowled at Bob. He tried to look innocent, then shrugged and gave it up. "They were ignoring me."

"So you blew up their trailers?" asked Alyx incredulously.

"Well no, I blew up Harry’s trailer. Voldemort’s trailer was merely collateral damage. Besides, it got their attention, didn’t it?" replied Bob nervously. Alyx had that wife look that said, ‘You are so sleeping on the couch for the next fifty years’.

Shaking her head, she turned back to Harry and Voldemort, who were watching her with glee. They loved to see her torture Bob. "I have a cat-o-nine tails you can borrow if you want," offered Voldemort.

"No, thanks. I have several spells we haven’t used in the story that I can use on him. The Exploding Testicle curse, for example. ‘Boom’ go your balls, then they heal and explode again, over and over and over. Quite effective," she replied sweetly.

All three men grabbed their family jewels and crossed their legs.

"Now, where were we?" Alyx asked menacingly.

"Talking about what we wanted before we go back to work?" offered Harry, hoping Alyx would forget about the Exploding Testicle curse. Gods help him if she taught it to Ginny.

Bob, being both a braver and more stupid male than most, gave Alyx bunny ears behind and her back, causing both Harry and Voldemort to laugh. Alyx glanced at Bob, but he was innocently examining a budget report for the production.

Frowning, she turned back to the negotiations. "Gentlemen, I’m losing my patience! I’ll make sure you get your video games and your girls, and the henchmen, as well. Now, will you please, please, please, get your skinny asses out onto the set so we can get on with this?" she growled.

Bob looked up in alarm. A growling Alyx was not a good thing. He shot a glance of warning to Harry and Voldemort and both men agreed eagerly. Standing, they headed off to check out the new scripts and meet with their co-stars.

 

Later…

Bob sat at the computer with Alyx watching over his shoulder. She had to watch, otherwise Bob would start a story involving aliens, lots of sex, explosions, machine guns, more sex, fast cars, planes, tanks and ships, space ships and more sex. Is everyone getting the picture or do I need to continue? Alyx’s shirt was unbuttoned, giving Bob a nice view of her cleavage, and she fanned herself lazily in the warm room.

Bob eyed her breasts and grinned stupidly.   Seeing where his eyes were focused, Alyx smacked him on the head and pointed at the keyboard. Glared, he turned to face the computer and, scowling at the monitor, began his story.

It was a dark and stormy night.

"Oh, you didn’t just write that drivel, did you?" exclaimed Alyx.

Bob nodded and turned to face her.   "Why, something wrong with it?"

When she rolled her eyes at him and began to button her shirt, he quickly backed over the line and re-typed it.

The storm broke heavily and the thunder cracked overhead, throwing Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley from the bed they were sharing.

"You pig!" muttered Alyx.

"Go away, woman. I’m doing literature here," replied Bob angrily.

"You’re "doing literature"? Nice, dear.   Thank god you have a beta.   However, regardless of your language skills, that," she said, pointing at the new paragraph, "is NOT literature. It’s PORN!"

"Fine! I’ll do it your way," replied Bob.

The storm broke heavily and the thunder cracked overhead, throwing Harry Potter from the bed he was in. Nearby, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley, both wearing Nun’s habits, were thrown from their own beds.

"Now you’re getting kinky!" snapped Alyx.

"It works! Trust me!" offered Bob.

"I swear if I had known he was this perverted, I wouldn’t have married him," Alyx muttered to no one in particular.

Harry blinked in surprise at the outfits the two women were wearing and frowned. He muttered something about sending Alyx to Aruba… via owl post. Then he turned to his companions. "I don’t suppose any of you ladies are afraid of thunderstorms and need some close cuddling and consoling?" He asked lamely.

Both Hermione and Ginny dropped to their knees and started to pray. They prayed for several things. They prayed for Harry and his immortal soul, they prayed for Voldemort and his immortal body, they prayed this story would be over quick and they could get into another story where they didn’t have to wear fifty pounds of clothing.

Alyx slapped the back of Bob’s head. "You’re despicable!"

Bob threw a note to Harry telling him to hurry up before Alyx came up with the idea of making him a Eunuch for this story. He read the note and glanced up in terror, then nodded eagerly.

Alyx eyed Bob suspiciously, since she didn’t see the contents of the note.

"Let’s attack Voldemort under the cover of darkness and the storm. No one would believe we’d attack on a dark and stormy night!" Harry shouted, bouncing to his feet.

Ginny and Hermione looked at Harry and muttered, "Hallelujah! Praise be! Awaken the Holy DA and we shall go forth and smote our enemies!"

Alyx turned to Bob and glared at him. "You know you’re taking this too far, don’t you? All I wanted was a regular story. You know, a nice story. Nice Boys, nice girls. Bad Guy. Nice Group kills Bad Group. Instead you give me Leisure Suit Larry and two nuns!"

"I can’t help it if you’ve gotten so old you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager with a hair trigger. One sight of a pubic hair and you’re spewing all over the inside of your shorts."

"That’s disgusting. How did our species get as far as we did?" Alyx said angrily.

 

Meanwhile, in Voldemort’s lair…

Voldemort lay on the table and a Japanese girl walked barefoot over his back.

"Ahh… yes! That’s the ticket, Yoshi," moaned the evil Overlord.

Suddenly the doors burst inwards and Wormtail rushed into the room.

"Master! Master! I have news," shouted the little man.

Voldemort looked up from his massage table and waved for Yoshi to climb down. She bounced twice on his back before springing off him, performing a fully inverted double summersault with a twist before landing flawlessly.

At a nearby table, a group of five people sat and held up scorecards.

"9.9     9.6     9.7     9.8     4.1"

Voldemort whipped out his wand and cast the killing curse. "Damn French judges!"

Yoshi ran from the room and from this fiction because she had seen an advance copy of the script and knew this wouldn’t be a safe spot to be around.

"What’s your news, Wormtail?" asked Voldemort, sipping a mineral water and rubbing some anti-flake cream on his scaly skin.

Wormtail gulped nervously. "The Japanese are attacking Pearl Harbor!"

Voldemort sat in his chair and eyed his faithful minion.

"Godzilla is attacking Tokyo!" shouted Wormtail.

Voldemort started to drum his fingers on the arms of his chair. It was quite comfortable as far evil lair chairs go. Sequined in red velvet with just a hint of purple trim.

"The British are coming!" quivered Wormtail in fear.

Voldemort looked at Wormtail with a steely gaze. "Wormtail, you fucknutz, we are British!"

Wormtail blinked in surprise. "Oh… then the British are here then. And Harry Potter is camped out atop our evil lair with an army."

"Harry Potter is what? You’ve been wasting all this time making up lines for you to announce when Harry Potter is nearby? Why are you wasting my time?"

"Well, I’m not really concerned this time, Master. You see, Harry’s getting less nookie than you, now! All of his girls have become nuns! There isn’t a single tit around for fifty kilometers that isn’t dedicated to God!"

"You had to throw that in didn’t you, Bob?" asked Alyx, her voice dripping sarcasm.

"Ummm, yes. Yes, I did. Now shut it, you, I’m literaturing," replied the unflappable Bob. And did you ever wonder why someone would want to be flappable? Must be a British thing. Do they really come with flaps?

"‘Literaturing’?" Alyx sputtered in disbelief.   "You’re killing me, here!"   She eyed the delete key hungrily, but Bob slapped her hand.

"Don’t even think it," he growled.

Voldemort reached under his chair to pull out his script so he could check his escape plan when he realized that someone had finally replaced Nagini for him. Although he wasn’t sure the carnivorous Snorkack that had just bitten off his hand was truly a good replacement.

"Wormtail! We must run away!" shouted Voldemort.

"I’m afraid that isn’t possible, Master. You see this is the last chapter. Bob and Alyx want this finished. Harry wants this finished. Hell, even I want this finished. I hate looking like an idiot."

Voldemort glared at him.

"I know I know. CRUCIO!" Wormtail said, casting on himself.

Voldemort waved to Bob and whispered something in his ear. Bob nodded and walked back to the word processor.

Alyx eyed Bob suspiciously, but said nothing.

Up on the surface, a very horny and very frustrated Harry Potter had the DA sealing up all the exits to the evil underground lair. Then he laid explosives all over the place.   Finally finished, he ran back to his hiding place, where Ginny and Hermione knelt in prayer, and connected up the wires to the detonator.

"Fire in the hole!" shouted Harry.

"Harry!" exclaimed Hermione and Ginny.

"That’s why we became nuns, Harry," said Ginny smugly, "so we don’t have to worry about fires in any holes."

Hermione nodded and scowled at Harry. "God will punish you for that."

Harry blinked for a second, then smiled. "Ladies, would you be so kind as to walk out to where that red flag is and bring it back to me, please?" he asked nicely.

The two nuns looked at each other and nodded. Two minutes later he watched Ginny pull the flag from the ground and hand it to Hermione. He pushed the plunger on the detonator and watched the whole field explode in smoke, fire and really nasty little pieces of rock

"Your really are despicable, you know that, don’t you?" asked Alyx archly.

Bob ignored her.

Down below in the evil lair, all the chambers collapsed. But in one small corner, a scaly hand thrust up from under the rubble.

                                              FINIS

"What the hell kind of ending is that?" asked Alyx.

"Heh. One that allows for a sequel. Be thankful. I’m not going to tell people that Harry’s celebrating with two hookers and a centaur tonight," replied Bob.

"I hate you. You do know that, don’t you?" asked Alyx.

"Yes, dear. Now, shall we explore a Lord of Rings/Star Wars/Pokemon crossover?"

"Hmm, it has possibilities," Alyx allowed.

  • Previous
  • Next